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Spending life

Why am I beginning to feel like I’m different to the norm? Why do I not feel like I belong to the masses?

I both wince at and am highly envious of the person can who virtuously find security and sability in getting that stable, well paid(ish) job, with the nice house in the suburban, but gentrified and trendy part of town, settle down, have their two kids, and growing old safe in the knowledge that they have made it to the other end!

The same person, I fear, is asking at me, why I don’t just conform and fit in?

Am I in the wrong for seeing the paradox in this plan? Knowing that life is not a sure bet, seeing people that are either still waiting for or hold on so dearly to those cards to bet everything on but may still loss? What happens when you loss? Why not bet on the early Pair, rather than wait for the perfect Royal Flush!

So I say, is it not a waste to save life and not to spend it? Not using the time you have to live, rather than to stay alive? Humm, sounding a big cliche, right?

If life is so vulnerable that we have to work so hard to build our safety net? If we invest everything into this one goal, what happens if it goes wrong? That same security becomes our biggest vulnerability.

Too spend what we have, to invest our lives into life it’s self, into enjoying what this world has to give, and to grab at the chances we have? Surely the return is much greater when we leave that poker table. To remember, to daydream, to reflect, to chew on, and feel a world you have indulged in, rather than admire it on your Twee-Insta-Pinstres-book.

Don’t get me wrong if I get to the other end and get to reminisce over the old days, with my life long partner; sat on a park bench eating white bread, cheddar cheese sandwiches; while wearing matching cream rain coats/trouser combos, and not having to say a world because you’ve said it all, this would be the prefect finish.

The moments when this planet makes me feel insignificant I feel most alive in. The in moment when this life puts a bet down, you can either choose to fold or to bet in!

I’m beginning to realise that I want to bet, maybe that’s why I’ve begun feeling so different.